JESUS | I’M COMING HOME

I’m sitting in my house, living under a statewide curfew, during a pandemic in the year or our Lord 2021. I’m 33. Jesus was 33 when he died. I’m not saying I’m better than Jesus, but I keep my word! It’s been over 2000 years my man. We’re tired of waiting! I’ve also never started a plague.

My mind tends to wander and recently I’ve been asking myself, what if Jesus DID come back? And what if he came back during the year of himself 2021? What would he do? Where would he live? Would he wear a mask? Would he be an anti-vaxer? What hi-jinx would ensue? I’ve been to a church so I think I have a pretty good idea of how this would play out.

Here’s how I think things would go!

Chapter 1

2021. Somewhere in Heaven

• Jesus: Man Dad, it’s pretty crazy down there.
• God: Yeah, these idiots keep making Batman movies. Figured a bat related plague would send a message. I even gave the newest Batman Covid. Yet, they carry on.
• Jesus: Fair… But I’ve been thinking, should I call them? It’s been 2000 years, is that too long?

When you broke up 2000 years ago but he texts “You up?”

• God: Oh Jesus, this again! Every couple of centuries on Valentine’s Day you think about texting them. They’ve moved on. They don’t want to see you.
• Jesus: You’re probably right. But I miss them! We had some good times, right?
• God: They killed you…..
• Jesus: True. I did tell them I was immortal though,
• God: Are you not happy here?…………..IN HEAVEN
• Jesus: I mean it’s okay…..
• God: I swear to me, I’ve enslaved millions of people to build you a paradise with no parallel on Earth and it’s just okay?
• Jesus: I just need a change. I’ve been quarantining here with you for almost a year, I need to get out and socialize.

Quarantine, more like Borantine

• God: Jesus, I keep telling you, you don’t need to quarantine. You can’t catch Covid. You’re dead.
• Jesus: You can never be too careful!
• God (Rolls eyes): Are you going to Allah’s tonight?
• Jesus: Oh God, is that today?
• God: Yes, I can’t make it. I’m bowling with Zeus.
• Jesus: Oh how is Zeus!!?
• God: He’s good. Still super ripped. Looks really gross at his age.
• Jesus: Ugh, I don’t want to go to Allah’s by myself. I’m going to skip it.
• God: Akbar cancelled too. They had a falling out last time I hung out with them. Big screaming match. Really unpleasant. Allah will be pissed if you don’t go.

ALLAH! AKBAR!

• Jesus: Isn’t he always pissed?
• God and Jesus: Laughing………….
• Jesus: That settles it. I’m going back to earth to avoid Allah’s party.
• God: Fine. Just be careful. Don’t make a scene.
• Jesus: When have I ever made a scene?

Glam for the Gram!

• Jesus: I’ll try to blend in. What do people look like now a days?
• God: Taller. Fatter.
• Jesus: Do we still have the place in Rome?
• God: Don’t go to Rome you basic bitch. All of Europe and you want to go to Rome.
• Jesus: God you’re annoying!! I’m going to Rome! I’m going to launch a comeback tour at the Pantheon.
• God: That one isn’t ours.
• Jesus: Jesus Christ Reunion Tour 2021. It’s on bitches.
• God: Me help us.