Chapter 2: Jesus The Beta Cuck

Jesus returns to Earth but struggles to adjust to the times and is labeled a liberal snowflake.

In early 2021, feeling guilty for starting pandemic, Jesus descended from the clouds to greet his followers and catch up on the last two millennia of gossip. Jesus, not being great with technology, booked travel to Rome.

Rome, Georgia — not Rome Italy. Oops! Delta couldn’t help him switch flight so Jesus took the travel mishap as a sign from Dad and prepped to meet his flock in the deep south.

Jesus: Hello, Georgia! Are we having a good time tonight? Jesus is here. Jesus is back. Jesus is ready to party!

Onlookers: Nice dress queer!

Jesus: Thank you!

Onlookers: You ain’t from here are ya?

Jesus: I am not. I’m actually from the Middle East!

Onlookers: Go back home, Muhammed.

Jesus: Oh, no, he’s actually my friend! Haven’t seen that guy in a while! Wonder if he still looks the same? I’m actually Jewish!

Onlookers: That’s strike 2.

Jesus: Wow, not the warm welcome I was anticipating but I’ve had tough crowds before. Never met gentile I couldn’t convert!

Onlookers: Did you vote for President Trump?

Jesus: I did not…

Onlookers: You better get out of here boy….

Jesus: Listen, last time I was here things didn’t go great. I feel like we’ve got off to a rough start. Let’s reset, can I interest you in some conversation over a glass of wine? It’s vintage!

Onlookers: We drink Busch Lite here. Take your fancy bottle and get, ya here!?

Jesus: Are you guys some sort of group? You all seem to be wearing the same outfit. Is there like a leader that I could talk to.

Onlookers: We are the OATH KEEPERS!

Jesus: Oh, lovely. I love oaths!!

Onlookers (Oathkeepers): We believe in Guns, God, and Country. We will stop at nothing to take our country back from the 6,000 year old Democratic Socialist Death Cult and restore the presidency to Donald John Trump.

Jesus: Listen, I’m all for blind faith but you people’s devotion to that guy is baffling, even to me.

Oathkeepers: What do you mean you people?

Jesus: I am starting to regret this trip…. Is that a cross? Brings back some memories…. Oh no! It’s on fire!

Oathkeepers: Merica’ First! Merica’ First! Stop The Steal! Stop The Steal!

Jesus: Yeah I’m leaving for some place a little less coo coo. Peace be with you!

Oathkeepers: Don’t let the door hit ya where you’re dad split ya, Beta Cuck!